Clearly the weirdos that run this place don't like people, so why they choose to run a business right next to the UKs biggest theme park is a bit of a mystery.

Take a hint from the lack of parking spaces... they *really* don't want your custom.

If you're unlucky enough to find somewhere to park you're treated to an outraged stare from the bloke behind the carvery when you dare to ask him questions. Faced with the choice of rejoining the huge queue of Alton Towers exit traffic that is wisely edging past towards the much better pubs in Oakamoor and Cheadle you'll think "nah, it can't be *that* bad" and decide to stay anyhow. You'll be grudgingly offered a table, and you'll exchange rolled-eyes and puzzled looks with neighbouring victims. Then you'll want a drink...

But...

Scuttle off to the microscopic bar for a pint of something to calm your nerves and you'll have to wait half an hour while his missus tries to remember how to pull a pint.

Then you'll want to pay by card, because you blew all your ready cash on the piri-piri chicken burgers at the Pirate's BBQ in Alton Towers. Of course, nothing will be too little trouble to the iceberg behind the bar. She'll tut a lot as she dusts off the card machine. Then she'll wander off, muttering darkly about it needing to be rebooted. You'll exchange a knowing look with the stuffed deer's head on the wall.

In the end, you'll get your pint (eerily called "Rough Justice") and you'll have managed to persuade them to replace your kids' first watery Coke with a decent one, so you'll return to your table and wait for the bloke behind the carvery to bark your number.

God help you if somebody leaves and a more friendly-looking table (away from the glare of the man with the carving knife) becomes available. You'll probably have left a ring or two of water on the table. Which he'll make a fuss about. Loudly. And very rudely. While waving his knife at you.

I'm not kidding.

In short - avoid like the plague. This place is just plain weird. The owners clearly hate other people. Luckily they no longer do accommodation. I'd be afraid of one of them creeping into my room to carve me up.

Like most people we were drawn in by the picture perfect scene from outside the hotel, a lovely setting in the bottom of the valley with a huge carvery sign by the road side. Thankfully we have a landrover so parking was not an issue although a bit tight in the small side road passed as a car park. You walk in through the 'restaurant' to hear dated stale music aout the mumblings of other customers wondering how they will eat tomorrow after paying a fortune for their meals. After paying £40 for 4 meals and two cokes ' the black currant juice i am told was free' we were greated by the chef a rab c nesbitt lokk alike serving up his food. The beef looked dry the turkey not much better and the lamb - well i am pleased he told us what it was. The veg on offer i am sure they only put a little out to encourage you to take as little as possible for fear of leaving nothing for those who follow. The childrens plate a mear £2 cheaper did little to fill their bellies but we ate filled us a little and left. The best topic of conversation was the varied patterns on the plates none of which matched.
Would i recommend this place not a chance, expensive and what can only just be called reasonable food but nothing worthy of comment rather disgust. At these prces you would expect good food in good supply. Next stop the toby carvery.

Having obtained a fantastic deal in the Splashlandings Hotel within the Alton Towers resort, my three friends and i opted to venture out from the hotel in search of some local, cheap 'n' cheerfull pub grub.

Having already passed the Alton Bridge Hotel on the way in to our lodgings, we bookmarked it in our minds purely on the basis that it looked fabulous from the outside and boasted a bar and carvery. With our hotel charging in excess of £17 for there buffet...we did not need much persuading to search for greener pastures....

We drove down, parked up in a modest sized car-park and strolled in. (You enter directly into the dining room and find the bar which seats approx six people on the right.)

As decribed in a previous review....as soon as you walk in....you feel an atmosphere....very dreary music and people talking quietly as if they are waiting to be seen in a doctors surgery. The bar is tended by the wife and the hot-plate by the husband. I would doubt if the two had spoken to each other in years.

We made a beeline for the the bar and swifty ordered four pints...two of my friends grabed a table in the restaurant while myself and Neil waited for the drinks.

While the prices are clearly displayed on the 'specials board' (consisting of one fish dish, one vegetarian dish and the carvery....this IS the menu btw....no starters/puddings) in the bar...i struck up some conversation with 'the wife'...

"So...the carvery all you can eat is it?"
"No...sorry, it's only one visit."
"Oh...just for the meat? Yeah, that's pretty standard...."
"No...for the vegetables aswell."
"Oh."

My wallet was almost out of my pocket but quickly sunk back in after this vital piece of information. No way was i paying £11 odd for a 10" plate of food.

Too late....Stu was back with the cash for himself and Davey and Neil followed suit and paid upfront (no bill at the end in this joint) at the bar...not giving us much oportunity to discuss other options. I was happy with my pint so took a back seat to see what they came back with from the hotplate.

Lets just say....it wasn't impressive....no gravey/yorkies, the meat was less than 'choice cut' and the service by 'the husband' was not friendly. No hint of a smile and eye contact never broken....thinking about what he'll do if you take that fourth boiled potato. Otherwise....it looked good, locally sourced produce.

From start to finish....not a soul visited out table to ask if everything was okay...whether we'd like more drinks...or even clean the table of dirty plates. Not even a cherio on departure. I would have had better service in an inner-city McDonalds.

Least i wouldn't get a look of utter disgust if i dared to steal a chip of my mates plate.

Less Fawlty Towers...more League of Gentlemen.

To sum up in three simple words...."don't..go..here!"

In no particular order this is why........

1.The smell of cats - really puts you off when eating a meal
2.The cavery - one wafer thin slice of meat per plate priced at £10.95 - ok if you like your meat rare
3. Whatever you do, do not ask for a tea plate for your baby. Babies meals are priced at £7.95!!!
4. A can of coke with your meal is a staggering £1.50!
5. Don't expect a friendly service - this is non existent!
6. You get charged £3.00 for using a credit card
7. You have to pay up front for your food - tough if you don't like it
8. People smoke in the toilet! Was this a member of staff I question?
9. You have to wait 30mins to park your car in a carpark which holds only 4 cars
10. No other choice of meal, it's either raw beef from the carvery or fish pie......